Ye right. What a weekend. I am sober 35 days now and suddenly it feels like eternity. I am bored out of my scull. I am irritated. I was puking my guts out again on Saturday - and the only thing nice about it, once again was, it wasn't red wine coming through my nose. I have so much to be grateful for. But I am literally stuck in my life. Koos sent me this over the weekend:
The Search
You are asking yourself, as all of us must:
"Who am I?" . . . "Where am I? . . . Whence do I go?"
The process of enlightenment is usually slow.
But, in the end, our asking always brings a finding.
These great mysteries are, after all, enshrined in complete simplicity.
- Came To Believe, p. 53
Today, I have to disagree. It's not simple. Every cell in my body wanted to drink this weekend. Staying sober is not as difficult as living sober. Learning how to do things sober and actually enjoying it is really difficult. I have never been a very social person or much liked going anywhere on weekends. I guess I preferred getting drunk in private - but suddenly I have this entertainment craving. I want to watch television???, and see other people. Just look at them, and know that I'm not the only miserable person on this planet. I love my husband, but I get so tired of his conversation - if any. It's like when we sobered up there was this unspoken rulebook created. Only talk about not drinking, always be busy with a constructive activity, always be ready for sex, because sober people have it often, never be in a bad mood for fear of making the other person drink,...etc...etc...
I hate how boring my life is. I probably drank to get some excitement even if it was negative attention, and it's not that I actually want to drink because I think it's fun - that ship has sailed, I just need some fun!!!!
It feels like I am spiritually moving house. Like everything is changing - at an undesirable pace I might add, and I don't know what I am changing into. I suppose this is the journey. Out with the old in with the new! Maybe when all the old is out - the simplicity happens when you get to vacuum an empty room...
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