a. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
b. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or
wrongdoing.
It's one thing to know you are sorry, its another for other people to know you are sorry, and for you to know that they know you're sorry. I haven't blogged for a while because I am guilt ridden. I feel weighed down and depressed out of my skull. I don't necessarily want to drink, but I have an overwhelming desire to HIDE.
I went to my group of friends monthly girls gathering and drove home feeling exactly like I used to feel when leaving a gathering not so sober. Ashamed, stupid and completely socially dysfunctional. And I don't know why? I don't understand how my self esteem could have been so utterly shattered that I don't even trust my mouth when I am sober. It was just that, when we all discussed our "problems and progress" I realised that struggling with food is acceptable, struggling with your child, struggling with your husband and work and having all sorts of other addictions and problems are socially acceptable. Being a recovering alcoholic brings a silence to the room. It sort of dampens the atmosphere. But DRINKING like a crazy person - now that's socially acceptable.
Everything feels so twisted and inside out, like I am driving up a one way.
I had a terrible nightmare where I knew people counted on me, but I got lost and I felt very lonely. I found this smoky bar and had one drink. A cream liqueur. I could not get the taste and the smell off me and my mother smelled it. The look of disappointment on her face almost killed me. I woke up this morning with the taste still in my mouth and the guilt at the pit of my stomach. I know Koos always says the beauty of these dreams are that you wake up - and it's only a dream.
When will I wake up from this nightmare of guilt? When do you start trusting yourself while knowing yourself. I keep asking myself would you trust you? And honestly right now, the answer is no.
To Julia - thank you, I really needed to know today, I am not alone. Stay strong.
PS: My dad started drinking again and it ripped my heart out...
Julia | July 5, 2010 at 10:01 AM
Be gentle with yourself. You can never know why people respond the way they do. Even though you felt that sharing your struggle with drinking may have dampened the mood, you may have actually helped someone be more honest with herself or wish she had the courage to be as open as you were. Sometimes people just don't know what to say and maybe our being honest touches on the fear of vulnerability that we all have. So many times I realize my first interpretation of a situation was not really accurate at all. I'm realizing too that emotional sobriety will be a lifelong journey for me and sometimes I don't even know why a darkness settles upon me. Hang in there, because understanding and peace will come!